today’s the day i

come out.

Do it now. Everyone’s here, the mood is light. There couldn’t be a better situation.

I step out of my body and view the room. I sit in the corner, as usual, hidden behind layers of someone I once was. Behind the tense body is the corner, I see a girl waging a war within, battling to dig up courage. Courage to speak the truth. Courage to finally live the life pictured in mind.

The rest of the room laughs, eyes crinkling at the corners. I can never understand how they seem so at peace when every second of my life feels as if I’m going to stumble, say the wrong thing, or worse, let everyone know who I am. No. They can’t know. They’ll look at me differently. But I am different and I love it. But- no I can’t, not today at least. Tomorrow.

Everyday I say tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes.

Today, I have never had a better opportunity. My housemate walked into my room and I was standing just inside my closet, despite the stereotype, deciding which flannel to wear today. I’m not kidding. She didn’t see me and walk out for a second. I stepped out to hold the maroon flannel against myself in the mirror. She walked back in, stopped and seemed to question how I appeared out of nowhere. “Wait, were you always in here? I was confused why the light was on but no one was in here,” she stated. I replied without thinking, “Yeah, I was hiding in the closet.” The second the words left my mouth I realized what I said. Then I saw the flannel. I almost bursted out laughing. My housemate paused a second too. I could feel both of our brains processing the words just spoken. Sometimes I think my friends must know, must see the signs. Well if this wasn’t the biggest flashing rainbow then I don’t know what is. But then, I saw the opportunity I gave myself. It’s perfect, the atmosphere is light, her mind was still groggy from sleep, and it would be memorable. But I’d have to speak now–she spoke first. “What?” The moment was gone. My mouth moved to stammer something less gay, “Uh, I was in the closet.” Smooth. “I was, uh, looking at my clothes. That’s why you didn’t see me,” I finally reported. She didn’t seem to question this one, “Oh ok. That flannels really cute by the way.” Then she left. I stood for a second in the actual closet and thought about the closet where my mind resides.

An hour later I’m still laughing at myself but glad I didn’t come out. When I do, I want to be able to describe the conflict I’ve been feeling, how I feel now and how I want them to treat the situation. Today I learned that I don’t want to come out just to come out. I will come out on my terms, my time, and it will be for me. If anything, I think tomorrow is closer than ever before.

you’ll know your gay when

you know you’re not straight.

How do I know I’m gay? When will the giant flashing ‘gay’ sign show its rainbow colors to me? I will feel suddenly gay, right? There must be a concrete time, feeling, sound, self awareness. How will I know I’m gay when all of me doesn’t want to be?

If your looking for a sign, there will be none. If you want a gay lightbulb to go off, there may be none. It’ll cross your mind occasionally, but every ounce of your brain will deny.

Once there are no more buzzfeed lgbt or coming out videos to watch, you desperately scour the corners of youtube for more until you have a sudden break through. But there will be none. Each video may shine light on feelings you’ve been suppressing, but soon, you begin to connect with the strangers behind the screen. Still you aren’t sure. Scouring the internet, looking at guys walk by but finding yourself looking at the girls, and suddenly realizing you didn’t like the prince in the the movie, you liked that he was with the princess.

You’ll never accept that your gay until you stop trying to find something to contradict your feelings. The sooner you accept your feelings, the way that you are, and the love you have inside, the sooner you can share that love and start living the life you want.

But, I wouldn’t know about the ‘After Gay’ life. I’ve only recently started accepting who I am. After I couldn’t find a sign saying, “YOU’RE GAY, OKAY,” or, “You’re a heterosexual, move along,” I started looking for acceptance in the world around me. If people I didn’t know could accept me, maybe those who do know me will still love me.

The problem with accepting you’re queerness is that, you worry about what others will think. After accepting yourself, being in the closet is about other people. The only reason is because, no matter what your situation is, your mind instantly goes to the worst possibly reaction. All of the homophobic slurs and phrases you’ve heard instantly seem like something your best friend would say.

I hate that I’m still in the closet because I don’t want other people to look at me differently. So what?! I will be happy and living my life, and in no way would it affect anyone else. I should not have to live inside my own head so that everyone else doesn’t have to process the change. I don’t want to burden anyone, but, the “burden” they would have is minimal to what I’ve experienced the past 8 years of suppressing my thoughts and feelings. Staying in the closet so you won’t lose friends is awful, but that’s a reason I’m still here. I wish I didn’t care enough so I can start being me.

I wish the closet only existed for the period of time where you accept yourself. But then again, I wish the closet never existed.

 

 

 

As a disclaimer, I know that everyone’s situation is different, and everyone’s coming out story is different. Some people have no trouble accepting themselves and others may not be in a safe position to come out. I’m mostly reflecting on my own experience and others that I’ve heard. When I say ‘you,’ Im mostly talking about me, not you the reader. Stay safe and love yourself! You are an amazing person no matter what!!

iv’e always loved the

rain.

Theres something magical. The concept is so simple: water falls from the sky. But the entire atmosphere changes.

Somehow the gloom and bitter air brings light to my lungs. The day no longer looms ahead. The sheets on my bed no longer weigh me down. I look forward to a day with rain. Possibly because I often feel the holes in my mind are occupied with grey clouds and soaked clothes. I can relate to the rain. Often I find theres nothing to relate to. I have found the rain is my friend.

Theres something magical about having to turn the lights on at 3pm because the charcoal sky diffuses the sun. Warm lighting behind the windows contrasts the soaked grounds on the other side. Blankets become necessary and are always paired with hot chocolate. Smells  from the kitchen become intoxicating. The home I love wraps its arms around my soul and overflows the gaps with warmth.

Traffic outside becomes more pleasant. The drivers no longer appear in my head as angry and running late. Instead, I imagine their afternoon plans no longer exist. Maybe they want to get lost in their favorite song, and feel the rain spatter on the windshield. Or, they’re driving the kids to a movie, allowing, just this once, homework to be abandoned. In the rain, I welcome the cars driving past my window.

All seems right in the world when the water trickling down the gutters carries me to sleep. I do not feel guilty succumbing to my mind’s black hole. Reality shifts when the first drops cling to my eyelashes. I can be anyone, anything. An altered reality gives me the wings to venture outside of my home and the comforting hug when the blankets suddenly cling to my skin.

The rain allows for layers of warmth, but also the water to sink a poorly built boat.

Welcome and Thank You

Hi,

I’ve spontaneously decided to start a blog. What qualifications do I have? Well, I’m a struggling college student, struggling with mental illness, the stress of school, the stress of life, the stress of being in the closest, and stress. So if being stressed and struggling constitutes a good blogger, then I’m perfect for the job.

Other than deciding to spew my internal thought process anonymously online and write instead of studying, I started this because I never feel like I can open up to anyone. The only people who know deep things about me are online. So where better to tell my deepest darkest secrets than the vast void we know as the internet? I’ve found the immense pressure building up from my insecurities caused by myself and the people I live with to be too much to keep on my own.

If anyone every reads any of my stories, struggles, or questions, I hope you get something out of them. I don’t want this to be a giant spew of negativity. I don’t want my dark or negative thoughts to stay negative. I want to learn something from them or spin them into something better. The negativity doesn’t need to stay negative. So to my imaginary audience, thank you, even though you don’t exist yet. Even if you never exist, thanks for helping me process my turmoil.