come out.
Do it now. Everyone’s here, the mood is light. There couldn’t be a better situation.
I step out of my body and view the room. I sit in the corner, as usual, hidden behind layers of someone I once was. Behind the tense body is the corner, I see a girl waging a war within, battling to dig up courage. Courage to speak the truth. Courage to finally live the life pictured in mind.
The rest of the room laughs, eyes crinkling at the corners. I can never understand how they seem so at peace when every second of my life feels as if I’m going to stumble, say the wrong thing, or worse, let everyone know who I am. No. They can’t know. They’ll look at me differently. But I am different and I love it. But- no I can’t, not today at least. Tomorrow.
Everyday I say tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes.
Today, I have never had a better opportunity. My housemate walked into my room and I was standing just inside my closet, despite the stereotype, deciding which flannel to wear today. I’m not kidding. She didn’t see me and walk out for a second. I stepped out to hold the maroon flannel against myself in the mirror. She walked back in, stopped and seemed to question how I appeared out of nowhere. “Wait, were you always in here? I was confused why the light was on but no one was in here,” she stated. I replied without thinking, “Yeah, I was hiding in the closet.” The second the words left my mouth I realized what I said. Then I saw the flannel. I almost bursted out laughing. My housemate paused a second too. I could feel both of our brains processing the words just spoken. Sometimes I think my friends must know, must see the signs. Well if this wasn’t the biggest flashing rainbow then I don’t know what is. But then, I saw the opportunity I gave myself. It’s perfect, the atmosphere is light, her mind was still groggy from sleep, and it would be memorable. But I’d have to speak now–she spoke first. “What?” The moment was gone. My mouth moved to stammer something less gay, “Uh, I was in the closet.” Smooth. “I was, uh, looking at my clothes. That’s why you didn’t see me,” I finally reported. She didn’t seem to question this one, “Oh ok. That flannels really cute by the way.” Then she left. I stood for a second in the actual closet and thought about the closet where my mind resides.
An hour later I’m still laughing at myself but glad I didn’t come out. When I do, I want to be able to describe the conflict I’ve been feeling, how I feel now and how I want them to treat the situation. Today I learned that I don’t want to come out just to come out. I will come out on my terms, my time, and it will be for me. If anything, I think tomorrow is closer than ever before.
Confessions of a Closeted Student 