you’ll know your gay when

you know you’re not straight.

How do I know I’m gay? When will the giant flashing ‘gay’ sign show its rainbow colors to me? I will feel suddenly gay, right? There must be a concrete time, feeling, sound, self awareness. How will I know I’m gay when all of me doesn’t want to be?

If your looking for a sign, there will be none. If you want a gay lightbulb to go off, there may be none. It’ll cross your mind occasionally, but every ounce of your brain will deny.

Once there are no more buzzfeed lgbt or coming out videos to watch, you desperately scour the corners of youtube for more until you have a sudden break through. But there will be none. Each video may shine light on feelings you’ve been suppressing, but soon, you begin to connect with the strangers behind the screen. Still you aren’t sure. Scouring the internet, looking at guys walk by but finding yourself looking at the girls, and suddenly realizing you didn’t like the prince in the the movie, you liked that he was with the princess.

You’ll never accept that your gay until you stop trying to find something to contradict your feelings. The sooner you accept your feelings, the way that you are, and the love you have inside, the sooner you can share that love and start living the life you want.

But, I wouldn’t know about the ‘After Gay’ life. I’ve only recently started accepting who I am. After I couldn’t find a sign saying, “YOU’RE GAY, OKAY,” or, “You’re a heterosexual, move along,” I started looking for acceptance in the world around me. If people I didn’t know could accept me, maybe those who do know me will still love me.

The problem with accepting you’re queerness is that, you worry about what others will think. After accepting yourself, being in the closet is about other people. The only reason is because, no matter what your situation is, your mind instantly goes to the worst possibly reaction. All of the homophobic slurs and phrases you’ve heard instantly seem like something your best friend would say.

I hate that I’m still in the closet because I don’t want other people to look at me differently. So what?! I will be happy and living my life, and in no way would it affect anyone else. I should not have to live inside my own head so that everyone else doesn’t have to process the change. I don’t want to burden anyone, but, the “burden” they would have is minimal to what I’ve experienced the past 8 years of suppressing my thoughts and feelings. Staying in the closet so you won’t lose friends is awful, but that’s a reason I’m still here. I wish I didn’t care enough so I can start being me.

I wish the closet only existed for the period of time where you accept yourself. But then again, I wish the closet never existed.

 

 

 

As a disclaimer, I know that everyone’s situation is different, and everyone’s coming out story is different. Some people have no trouble accepting themselves and others may not be in a safe position to come out. I’m mostly reflecting on my own experience and others that I’ve heard. When I say ‘you,’ Im mostly talking about me, not you the reader. Stay safe and love yourself! You are an amazing person no matter what!!